“When we think of the unending growth and decay of life and civilizations, we cannot escape the impression of absolute nullity. Yet I have never lost a sense of something that lives and endures underneath the eternal flux.”
One way of working with a contemplative inquiry is to drop down viscerally into the body (lessening attachment to the Greek chorus-like commentary of one’s mind), witnessing what the question provokes, while simultaneously broadening one’s awareness of the world at large, the ground beneath, the air above and so forth.
An example of working with inquiry as an exploration…
Tonight is the Oscars, the lead up to which often affords the viewing of other/former statue-grabbing cinema. Last night I happened to catch a few, final scenes of the film Gandhi, which happened to be airing on television, and did so in conjunction with the contemplative inquiry: ‘what, within you, does not change and is not rocked?’. It was a potent combination, as I could perceive how my understanding of the historic figure of Gandhi had shifted dramatically since I first saw the film, as a child. Back then, his path seemed exotic, eccentric, even a bit bizarre. Now, through being a bit better acquainted with nonviolence as a movement, I understood him more deeply, and his life made more discernible (even rational) sense. But even more surprisingly, perhaps due to multi-tasking/inquiry, I recognized a modest kind of kindred-spiritedness (not so much of identifying with Gandhi per se, but rather of having tasted a bit of the divine spark that animated such a path). In a world that seems unjust, I could grasp what would drive someone to such extremes to right perceived wrongs. And despite not having personally embraced nonviolence holistically as my own, I was intrigued by how the inquiry forced me to recognize that I could now indeed comprehend how such a conviction might take root. I even ponder whether this awesome infusion of grace and courage has become an even more indispensable ingredient, which must take root broadly across the planet, if our civilization is to be salvaged in time.
Although not to alienate anyone by this line of self-disclosure, it’s worth noting that [NVC certified trainer] Miki Kashtan, who has said that she considers herself neither Christian nor a theist, demonstrates more unequivocally than do I how it’s possible to be touched by Gandhi’s example while still not tasting any direct experience of the divine. Miki’s spiritual path draws profound inspiration from Gandhi’s life, while still dwelling amidst a more secular world view. Part of how this is possible is through the beauty of universal human needs, and how this construct points to the indivisibility and interdependence of humanity.
in·di·vis·i·ble
adjective
1. unable to be divided or separated.
“… I am cognizant of the interrelatedness of all communities and states. I cannot sit idly by in Atlanta and not be concerned about what happens in Birmingham. Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly. Never again can we afford to live with the narrow, provincial ‘outside agitator’ idea. Anyone who lives inside the United States can never be considered an outsider anywhere within its bounds.”
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
Letter from a Birmingham Jail
16 April 1963
So one route towards accessing that which is unshakable is through the inter-connectivity of our indivisible, universal human needs. We’ll work with some self-inquiry processes to be utilized during pivotal points in our conversation with others.
Marshall Rosenberg, who views conflict as a tragic expression of unmet needs, often brokers a mediation by asking parties what they need. So what qualifies as a need (verses a ‘want’ etc.)?
Rosenberg developed a list of needs under headings: connection, physical well-being, honesty, play, peace, meaning and autonomy.
He also draws on the work of Chilean economist, Manfred Max-Neef who has developed an economic system based on meeting human needs. Max-Neef defines nine needs: 1) Sustenance: food, shelter, and water – the basic, physical needs; 2) Safety: protection; 3) Love; 4) Understanding; 5) Community; 6) Recreation: play, rest; 7) Autonomy (Rosenberg says this is one of the most important needs); 8) Creativity; 9) Meaning: purpose in life. (According to Victor Frankl, probably the most important need of all)
Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, “I developed NVC as a way to train my attention—to shine the light of consciousness on places that have the potential to yield what I am seeking. What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving of the heart.”
"Never question the beauty of what you are saying because someone reacts with pain, judgment, criticism. It just means they have not heard you." ~ Marshall Rosenberg
NVC is a tool, in our toolbox (akin to a paintbrush); how it is expressed, on the canvas of our lived existence, may be as varied as the fruits of each painter's artistic choices & creative risks.
Toolbox – Tools for Call
e.g.
Recommended: Free NVC/MYLApp (as a composting/'posthersal' if/then)
NVC handout from 1980s (note "dreams" - perhaps inspired by MLK)
"Most of us live in a Jackal world where we take turns using the other person as a waste basket for our words." ~ Marshall B. Rosenberg
"From his work with civil rights activists in the '60s, Rosenberg came up with the precise language of Nonviolent Communication, designed to minimize defensive reactions and maximize cooperation." Katy Butler
When once asked about why he, Marshall Rosenberg, opted to shift from "dreams" (1.0) to "universal human needs" (2.0) he offered it was quicker, it simply took less time.
"It’s not about racing toward a resolution. The approach I offer holds empathy for both sides of a conflict. In my 3 Chair Model, being the mediator is to sit between the “two chairs” — the two sides of a conflict and the relationship between subconscious and conscious dimensions of our experience.
The third side perspective isn’t above or outside of the conflict— it’s a conduit for deeper connection within it that reconciles and heals.
Sitting in the third chair symbolizes the most evolved aspect of an individual's self-awareness... " (continues)
"...and for all his sweetness, he had the tiger and the jackal in his soul." ~ American feminist Voltairine de Cleyre via NYT (gift link)
“We don't rise to the level of our expectations, we fall to the level of our training.” ― Archilochos
Visiting "street giraffes" from around the globe (all the countries, in green, that have visited this blog!)
"I'm going to show you a technology today which takes insults and criticisms out of the airwaves. (Marshall puts on giraffe ears) With this technology, it will be impossible for you to hear criticisms, harsh remarks, or insults. All you can hear is what all people are ever saying, 'please' and 'thank you'. What used to sound like criticism, judgment, or blame, you will see, are really tragic, suicidal expressions of 'please'." ~ Marshall B. Rosenberg
Dialogue as a Mindfulness Practice
Marshall Rosenberg
"If you are a jackal, you will try to reassure. Jackals try to fix people in pain. They can't stand pain, but make matters worse by trying to get rid of it. Put on giraffe ears. Try to hear what they are feeling and needing." ~ Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD
3 Dialogic Choice-Points
"If I could teach people only one tool for training in presence it would be to pause. The space of one pause can make a world of difference." p. 45 of Oren Jay Sofer's Say What You Mean
"When we are able to include our own needs in the equation fully, alongside, not instead of, others’ needs, we are more likely to experience the possibility of stepping beyond the either/or paradigm, and finding care for everyone." ~ Miki Kashtan
"There are two things that distinguish truly nonviolent actions from violent actions. First, there is no enemy in the nonviolent point of view. You don’t see an enemy. Your thinking is clearly focused on protecting your needs. Second, your intention is not to make the other side suffer." ~ Marshall Rosenberg
"The longer I live, the more deeply I learn that love — whether we call it friendship or family or romance — is the work of mirroring and magnifying each other’s light. Gentle work. Steadfast work. Life-saving work in those moments when life and shame and sorrow occlude our own light from our view, but there is still a clear-eyed loving person to beam it back. In our best moments, we are that person for another." ~ Maria Popova
On Listening
“A jest's prosperity lies in the ear
Of him that hears it, never in the tongue
Of him that makes it.” William Shakespeare, Love's Labour's Lost
"Nonviolent Communication is a way of keeping our consciousness tuned in moment by moment to that beauty within ourselves and others, and not saying anything that we think might in any way tarnish people's consciousness of their own beauty." ~ Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD
"Anger is a signal that you’re distracted by judgmental or punitive thinking, and that some precious need of yours is being ignored." ~ Marshall Rosenberg
"When we are depressed, our thinking blocks us from being aware of our needs, and then being able to take action to meet our needs." ~ Marshall Rosenberg
"I wouldn’t expect someone who’s been injured to hear my side until they felt that I had fully understood the depth of their pain." ~ Marshall Rosenberg
"True forgiveness is not about condoning or forgetting; it's about releasing ourselves from the burden of resentment and finding peace within." ~ Marshall Rosenberg
This blog/call grew out of a "Naturalizing NVC" class I took with Miki Kashtan through NVC Academy in 2011 during which I made a request of my fellow classmates that we might practice together outside of the call. It was mostly just about my wanting to gain "street giraffe" fluency by way of practice and then also cataloguing the seeds of my learning. As I say here, it's likely been sustained by way of "structured procrastination" and lots of tinkering while multi-tasking. As Peggy Smith once put it, NVC is but one fruit amidst a more plentiful fruit bowl offering of the healing powers of resonant language, which animates the arc of my life's journey and is something I hope to write about eventually. Bottom line, I'm merely a fellow practitioner/traveler yet invite any inquiries that this blog may have sparked for you.
What is Conscious Communication? (a.k.a. Nonviolent Communication or NVC)
The Chopra Center: Conscious Communication is the ability to clearly communicate what you want in life, which directly relates to your emotional well-being. The key principles of conscious communication can help you do just that… (continues)
(See also OFNR: Observation, Feelings, Needs & Requests.)
Speak Peace in a World of Conflict
New to NVC?
“If I had just one book to recommend about interpersonal communication, it would be this one.” ~ Rick Hanson
"Reflect: Identify situations where your communication aligned with NVC principles, and others where you feel that you could have improved. Taking a step back can be crucial to acknowledging your progress and identifying where you want to grow." ~ Barbara Robles-Ramamurthy, MD
'You don't have to be brilliant. It's enough to become progressively less stupid." ~ Marshall B. Rosenberg
"As NVC replaces our old patterns of defending, withdrawing or attacking in the face of judgment and criticism. We come to perceive ourselves and others, as well as our intentions and relationships, in a new light. Resistance, defensiveness, and violent reactions are minimized." ~ Marshall Rosenberg
"I would like us to create peace at three levels and have each of us to know how to do it. First, within ourselves. That is to know how we can be peaceful with ourselves when we’re less than perfect, for example. How we can learn from our limitations without blaming and punishing our self. If we can’t do that, I’m not too optimistic how we’re going to relate peacefully out in the world. Second, between people. Nonviolent Communication training shows people how to create peace within themselves and at the same time how to create connections with other people that allows compassionate giving to take place naturally. And third, in our social systems. To look out at the structures that we’ve created, the governmental structures and other structures, and to look at whether they support peaceful connections between us and if not, to transform those structures." ~ Marshall Rosenberg
Street Giraffes 