Beneficial Regret

Credit:  Havang(nl) (via Wikimedia Commons)’s Pathways to Liberation – Self-Assessment Matrix

‘An NVC practice as dustpan & brush…’
– Kit Miller 

Dust Pan and Brush

We Aren’t Built to Live in the Moment – The New York Times

Beneficial Regret

Acknowledging and learning from one’s missed opportunity to meet needs, without guilt, shame, or self-punishment.

(via Matrix)

“To dwell in the here and now does not mean you never think about the past or responsibly plan for the future. The idea is simply not to allow yourself to get lost in regrets about the past or worries about the future. If you are firmly grounded in the present moment, the past can be an object of inquiry, the object of your mindfulness and concentration. You can attain many insights by looking into the past. But you are still grounded in the present moment.”
Thich Nhat Hanh, The Art of Power


Matrix | Pathways to Liberation

(beneath is courtesy of the work of Jim and Jori Manske)

Beneficial regret: Acknowledging and learning from oneʹs missed opportunity to meet needs, without guilt, shame, or self‐punishment.

Unskilled:  Takes responsibility for the feelings of others with guilt and/or shame, or defends oneself; apologizes to protect oneself by assuaging anotherʹs feelings.

Awakening:  Newfound awareness that othersʹ  feelings are caused by their needs, and may want others to ʺget over it”. Heightened awareness of habit of self‐ blame.

Capable:  Increasing ability to transform guilt into learning. Fostering willingness to seek connection with others (with empathy and honesty) when events did not work for others.

Integrated:  Consistent willingness to openly own oneʹs part in outcomes that did not meet needs; willingness to feel and express regret; seeks learning and growth.


Positive Intent  |  Need Missed    


Action Taken (as observation) Positive Intent – Related Need(s) Need(s) Not Attended To
Arriving later than time agreed to Efficacy (completed task) Consideration (of another)
Chose not to  ____ Need X Need Y
Said, “______” Need X Need Y


Step 1:  Which need animated your conduct (positive intent)?
Step 2:  Which need wasn’t attended to in how things unfolded?

Sustenance  Order Belonging Meaning  Transcendence
Security  Love  To Matter Honesty  Freedom  

Step 3:  Swirl both needs together, let it marinate a bit (sleep on it, take a walk/shower, etc.), and then see what you’ve discovered.

Needs consciousness

Awareness of (and the willingness to honor) needs, the essential universal elemental qualities of life (like sustenance, love and meaning).

(via Matrix)

“We may believe that mistakes have been made already and that we cannot go back to the past to change things. When we look deeply into the relative nature of time, we see that the past has created the present. If we seize the present moment with mindfulness, we are in touch with the past. We can actually go back to the past, while staying firmly rooted in the present moment, and heal the past. We forgive ourselves for our mistakes, knowing we didn’t have enough wisdom or the right conditions at that time to do better. We transform our regrets in the present into compassion and understanding, and in this way we also transform the past.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh, Savor


Courtesy of &

(Via Wiki: Team Naked Pictures of Be a Arthur)