‘An NVC practice as dustpan & brush…’
– Kit Miller
|Acknowledging and learning from one’s missed opportunity to meet needs, without guilt, shame, or self-punishment.
“To dwell in the here and now does not mean you never think about the past or responsibly plan for the future. The idea is simply not to allow yourself to get lost in regrets about the past or worries about the future. If you are firmly grounded in the present moment, the past can be an object of inquiry, the object of your mindfulness and concentration. You can attain many insights by looking into the past. But you are still grounded in the present moment.”
― Thich Nhat Hanh,
(beneath is courtesy of the work of Jim and Jori Manske)
Beneficial regret: Acknowledging and learning from oneʹs missed opportunity to meet needs, without guilt, shame, or self‐punishment.
Unskilled: Takes responsibility for the feelings of others with guilt and/or shame, or defends oneself; apologizes to protect oneself by assuaging anotherʹs feelings.
Awakening: Newfound awareness that othersʹ feelings are caused by their needs, and may want others to ʺget over it”. Heightened awareness of habit of self‐ blame.
Capable: Increasing ability to transform guilt into learning. Fostering willingness to seek connection with others (with empathy and honesty) when events did not work for others.
Integrated: Consistent willingness to openly own oneʹs part in outcomes that did not meet needs; willingness to feel and express regret; seeks learning and growth.
Positive Intent | Need Missed
|Action Taken (as observation)||Positive Intent – Related Need(s)||Need(s) Not Attended To|
|Arriving later than time agreed to||Efficacy (completed task)||Consideration (of another)|
|Chose not to ____||Need X||Need Y|
|Said, “______”||Need X||Need Y|
Step 1: Which need animated your conduct (positive intent)?
Step 2: Which need wasn’t attended to in how things unfolded?
Step 3: Swirl both needs together, let it marinate a bit (sleep on it, take a walk/shower, etc.), and then see what you’ve discovered.
|Awareness of (and the willingness to honor) needs, the essential universal elemental qualities of life (like sustenance, love and meaning).
“We may believe that mistakes have been made already and that we cannot go back to the past to change things. When we look deeply into the relative nature of time, we see that the past has created the present. If we seize the present moment with mindfulness, we are in touch with the past. We can actually go back to the past, while staying firmly rooted in the present moment, and heal the past. We forgive ourselves for our mistakes, knowing we didn’t have enough wisdom or the right conditions at that time to do better. We transform our regrets in the present into compassion and understanding, and in this way we also transform the past.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh, Savor
(Via Wiki: Team Naked Pictures of Be a Arthur)